Igster's Inklings

Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts. Did they make a difference? Who knows, but I’m going with they did.

So thanks. After getting there early for a 7:15 check in time, I was told I had to wait for an emergency surgery that bumped everyone. They gave me the choice of stay or go home and come back. The temptation to eat was too strong, so I stayed. So, they prepped me(next time I shave myself) and around 11:00 they said it was time. After a frustrating few minutes for myself and the OR staff, we found the lump in question.

I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up in recovery an hour later. So, today I’m sore and less two small masses and about a 2″ scar under my left arm.

Looking back, it’s easy to say “I told you so”. But the chances of it going the other way were about equal. So, I will maintain vigilance over changes to my body for the time being and err on the side of caution.

(editor) In no way was the exclusion of my wife being with me intentional) She stayed with me the whole time and was there when I was wheeled back to the short procedure unit  TY BABY!!

and I shouldn’t be, should I?

In two days I go to the local hospital for a “routine” procedure. A simple operation from what I can gather. I have a lump, cyst, something benign under my left armpit. Went and saw my DR, he recommended I do a follow up with a surgeon. Did that a few weks ago. He said it, was most likely nothing and if it hurts, it should come out.

POssible risks, infection, bleeding, soreness. I’ve already got the soreness part down. I don’t know why I’m so afraid. I’ve had major surgery and wasn’t like this. It seems the older I get the more I find myself fearing or dreading things. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? I survived cancer, I was on a USN Ballistic Sub poking around the ocean in hundreds of feet of water, never really bothered me being in that sewer tube with crimped ends. Test depth? HA! As Im pushing 42(OMG when did I get this old) I find myself battling with panic attacks over what should be simple things.

Oh well, surgery is pretty much locked in, Probably in and out in a few hours total. Right? Go ahead and lie to me, tell me it will all be fine and Im worrying for nothing.

As some of you know, I am a cancer survivor. About 7 years ago I was diagnosed with a Non Seminoma Testicular Cancer. An incision, a few snips and like 19 staples and 18 sessions of radiation and I was pronounced cured.  Lucky me, right? I was told how lucky I was that it was treatable? Fuck you. Yes it was good that it was, but lucky? To have part of me cut out and thrown away, to endure the radiation. Now I know chemo is probably a million times worse. But let me tell you, being sick 24/7 for 3 months is not a walk in the park either.

Am I grateful to be cured? Of course I am. One of the side benefits of being a cancer survivor is being  at a higher risk  for additional types of cancer. Yay…as if the first time wasn’t enough here’s a GD bonus prize just for playing. tysofkngmuch.

Am I bitter? Maybe, but I think I’ve earned it. I didnt do anything to put myself at risk for this. Although maybe something I did in the Navy led to it? No one knows.

Aout the fear thing. For those of you that don’t know firsthand, there is a constant fear among cancer patients. At least I feel there is. Anytime I get a lump, or odd looking pimple, some skin discoloration, etc I start worrying. “Damn, what is this thing?”

Recently I found a cyst under my left arm. Actually, it’s been there for awhile now. The Dr in Texas said not to worry about it. Sureeee I’ll get right on that not worrying train.. Fast Forward to a few weeks ago, when it started hurting. Hmmm this is not good. Hurting so bad in fact, I mistook it for chest pains. 41 yo male, on the overweight side..a certain amount of panic sets in as it should be., After poking and prodding I was fine and sent home from the local shining beacon on the hill otherwise known as Hazleton General Hospital.  Went and saw the family doc(great guy btw that Dr. Cox  please no scrubs jokes).  He sent me for a lipid and bhcg blood test. He also felt said cyst and sent me for a consult.

Got the blood tests back, everythign was a-ok. See mom? My Cholesterol is fine and all that evil salt didn’t raise my BP at all.

Went to see the surgeon yesterday, he confirmed there is something there(always good to have another opinion). Said if it hurts, it shouold come out. I love when Doctors agree with me  .  Said  surgery is scheduled for 29 July.

So, while Im happy it was nothing thins time, the fear doesn’t ever go away. While I appreciate the oohs and awws and stories about your uncle cousin brother who had cancer…. Unless YOU had it yourself, you cannot possibly ever truly understand how it feels. Much in the same way that I cannot understand lung or pancreatic cancer. I didnt have, so I can’t know. See?