Tired of living in fear.
As some of you know, I am a cancer survivor. About 7 years ago I was diagnosed with a Non Seminoma Testicular Cancer. An incision, a few snips and like 19 staples and 18 sessions of radiation and I was pronounced cured. Lucky me, right? I was told how lucky I was that it was treatable? Fuck you. Yes it was good that it was, but lucky? To have part of me cut out and thrown away, to endure the radiation. Now I know chemo is probably a million times worse. But let me tell you, being sick 24/7 for 3 months is not a walk in the park either.
Am I grateful to be cured? Of course I am. One of the side benefits of being a cancer survivor is being at a higher risk for additional types of cancer. Yay…as if the first time wasn’t enough here’s a GD bonus prize just for playing. tysofkngmuch.
Am I bitter? Maybe, but I think I’ve earned it. I didnt do anything to put myself at risk for this. Although maybe something I did in the Navy led to it? No one knows.
Aout the fear thing. For those of you that don’t know firsthand, there is a constant fear among cancer patients. At least I feel there is. Anytime I get a lump, or odd looking pimple, some skin discoloration, etc I start worrying. “Damn, what is this thing?”
Recently I found a cyst under my left arm. Actually, it’s been there for awhile now. The Dr in Texas said not to worry about it. Sureeee I’ll get right on that not worrying train.. Fast Forward to a few weeks ago, when it started hurting. Hmmm this is not good. Hurting so bad in fact, I mistook it for chest pains. 41 yo male, on the overweight side..a certain amount of panic sets in as it should be., After poking and prodding I was fine and sent home from the local shining beacon on the hill otherwise known as Hazleton General Hospital. Went and saw the family doc(great guy btw that Dr. Cox please no scrubs jokes). He sent me for a lipid and bhcg blood test. He also felt said cyst and sent me for a consult.
Got the blood tests back, everythign was a-ok. See mom? My Cholesterol is fine and all that evil salt didn’t raise my BP at all.
Went to see the surgeon yesterday, he confirmed there is something there(always good to have another opinion). Said if it hurts, it shouold come out. I love when Doctors agree with me 
. Said surgery is scheduled for 29 July.
So, while Im happy it was nothing thins time, the fear doesn’t ever go away. While I appreciate the oohs and awws and stories about your uncle cousin brother who had cancer…. Unless YOU had it yourself, you cannot possibly ever truly understand how it feels. Much in the same way that I cannot understand lung or pancreatic cancer. I didnt have, so I can’t know. See?
July 11th, 2009 at 4:02 am
Hey there friend! I am so glad that everything turned out well for you. Even though you still have to have surgery you are going to be ok!! Yay! I’ve not been in your shoes for your specific scares but I do know what it’s like to be scared that something is seriously wrong with you and it’s no fun. Just remember not to confuse others compassion towards your situation as someone trying to say they completely understand. Even if two people have the same exact thing, their experiences are different. People care about you and want to see you well. Just because they share stories of something that someone else had that they cared about, they are not discounting what you went through. Perhaps they are just wanting to comfort you or maybe to better understand because they haven’t been in your shoes or maybe they are looking for a bit of compassion themselves because even though they aren’t the ones who have the disease, they are dealing with it too because their loved one is. That’s not an easy venture either. **hugs** Glad you are alright Ig!!
July 11th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Hon, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m damn glad you’re still with us! I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself enough to follow your insticts on your body. I want you to be around for a good, long time. *big warm hugs*
July 13th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Sorry, I didnt know this reply was here.
Thanks for you words, they are very much appreciated.